When last I left you, Scallywags were 2-0 after defeating the SOU Raiders and team Cadillax. I shamelessly ended on a cliffhanger, after announcing that our next opponent, Bigfoot Elite was anchored by Kyle “K18” Harrison ( Johns Hopkins legend, Tewaaraton Award winner, former MLL star, and the current face of the LXM Pro Tour) and his cousin, Maxx Davis (UMBC alum and LXP Pro player).
All champions face challenges, and everybody knows that true champions do work both on and off the field to overcome those challenges. Scallywags are no exception and our game plan begins well in advance of the first whistle. In fact, sometimes the game plan begins the night before while out drinking. In this case, Bigfoot was good enough to put together a free buffet and discount drinks for tournament participants at the Summit Saloon. As Mr. Harrison and Mr. Davis were in attendance, this gave us our first opportunity at gamesmanship.
Now, it’s no accident that Kyle Harrison is a champion — his resistance to our pre-game ne’er-do-wellery was unmatched. Our plan consisted of three piratey schemes: bribery, jackassery, and sabotage.
1. Bribery: Our first thought was that maybe Kyle Harrison was a Scallywag but he just didn’t know it. Thus, we tried to bribe him to turncoat and play for us by offering a free Scallywags kit. I could see his eyes twinkle at the thought, but he unfortunately declined.
2. Jackassery: Next, we tried to Ice him. Kyle unfortunately refused to participate (though the Ice was not wasted, as Maxx graciously dropped to a knee).
3. Sabotage: Finally, we attempted to get him lit on Jägerbombs. Like Indiana Jones at the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, Kyle passed this final test and secured the Holy Grail of sobriety and self-respect.
Though ol’ K18 knew better than to allow himself to be photographed on one knee chugging a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, that isn’t to say that he didn’t appreciate the efforts. Kyle paid for the Ice, the two Jägerbombs, and then bought a round of shots (delicious but girly ones) to take with me and my idiot friends. He even posed for a picture with my silly ass.
Anyways, back to actual lacrosse. The next day, after putting away Cadillax, Scallywags squared off against Bigfoot Elite and the two unfortunately uncompromised ringers. Allow me to say that Kyle’s split is
bullshit a thing of beauty. Unless you somehow manage to square him up early, he will be 5 yards past you before you’ve taken your first step. The man’s crank is ridiculous ridiculous. He’s on another level. All that said, it was actually his lax IQ that made the difference in the game. He marshaled Bigfoot’s offense like the Desert Fox. It was actually pretty cool. What wasn’t all that cool was Bigfoot’s goalie, who was an absolute brick wall. The kid, who apparently is a backup for Colorado State, wasn’t just standing on his head. He was standing on his head, while reciting the alphabet backwards, and juggling with his feet. Dammit.
As you might surmise, we lost. But the score was only 7-3. Pretty good, all things considered. That was the end of day 2. We headed back to the condo for wholesome activities*.
On Sunday morning we squared off against the 2011 PNLA (Pacific Northwest Lacrosse Association) Champs, the formidable 503 Lax. Comprised of some of the best players the state of Oregon has produced, 503 Lax had its eye on the championship round. Unfortunately for 503, Scallywags had the same notion.
Scallywags came out firing and jumped to an early 4-0 lead. At that point, however, 503 woke up and it was a dogfight the rest of the way. While it got a little chippy, that’s to be expected when two talented teams each expect to win. Nevertheless, on the back of approximately thirty-six thousand points from Alex Williams and his brother Downtown Scooter Brown, Scallywags held off a 503 comeback to defeat the PNLA Champs 9-6, thus securing our rematch against Bigfoot (who simultaneously put away Rip City by a score unknown to advance to the championship).
Now, I wish I could tell you that our rematch against Bigfoot Elite went better than the first go-round. It didn’t. In fact, it went slightly worse and we were defeated 7-2. If there’d been a tournament MVP award, it would have had to go to that keeper.
And so, Bigfoot Elite took home the coolest lacrosse trophy ever made ever ever ever.
Though Scallywags didn’t bring home any new pirate treasure, the trip was nevertheless a great success. Here’s why:
1. The Bigfoot Bender was a very well run tournament. Jonny B and Jonathan Stevens have clearly been paying attention to Tahoe and other similarly excellent events. The tables were manned, the officiating was unbiased, there were refreshments and merchandise sales at the field, there was a photographer, there was a tournament banquet, and finally the teams/players didn’t think they were above palin’ around with a bunch of lax players from Idaho. None of these things were present in Park
Shitty City. Needless to say, we’ll be back.
2. Bend is a kickin’ rad little town. As an unexpected surprise, Bigfoot scheduled the tournament to coincide with the annual Bite of Bend food/wine/beer festival. Well played, ‘Foot.
3. We got to square off against a living legend and some of Oregon’s best. Upending the PNLA Champs is a pretty good consolation prize. Part of the fun of Scallywags comes from seriously competing with teams and players who’ve never even come close to getting beaten by a team from Idaho. Most of us play or played for the University of Idaho or Boise State University — we spent years being demolished without mercy by teams like the Ducks because the Vandals/Broncos have never been able to assemble a roster comprised of more than 5 guys who would even consider hitting the wall or emptying a bucket of balls once or twice a week . The question, “Where are you guys from again?” is a common none. The thinly-veiled surprise that comes when we answer “Boise, Idaho” never gets old.
4. The shake-weight game: